Mercy's Hold
by LumBabsFan
Summary: The tides turn as Poison Ivy seeks shelter from Harley Quinn and the Joker. But when things go wrong, it's the Clown Prince and his harlequin that spend a night on the run.
1. Chapter 1

_Working Title: "Mercy's Hold"_

_By Faith Kelter_

_Based on an improvisation with Jason Marnocha_

_**Chapter 1**_

The ever bubbly Harley Quinn, famed Harlequin of…_nope that was one of his names_. Clown Princess of…_hells no, too corny to just feminize._ Atop her usual place on her puddin's desk, she scratched out the bajillionth nickname on her notepad with a frustrated growl. Her precious babies - pet hyenas, Bud and Lou - tilted their heads in confusion as their matriarch finally tore the page off and tossed it into the trash bin, sitting head-on-hand in boredom.

It was never fun when she was left out of a heist. But there was just no role for her to play this time, and she didn't dare question the boss. Like any great showman, the Joker had a precise vision on how to share each performance with the fools that were Gotham City. Harley couldn't just barge in on it if she wasn't involved from the start. It would ruin everything! And with the chance of a cancellation due to a certain pest control problem showing up, ruining the grand scheme was just not an option. Screwing up was one thing. Screwing up in front of the Batman was another, and one that Mistah J just wouldn't tolerate at all. She shuddered to remember the last time she did that, gingerly rubbing the various bruises that lingered in its memory.

"I'm _ba-ack!_"

Harley squealed happily with a "Yay!", jumping from the desk at the sound of his voice and running to greet him with the Babies in tow. The plan must've gone well, she thought, seeing all the goons pour in through the door behind him in one piece and Mistah J with one of his most genuine smiles. Gleeful and playful like a good hench wench should be, she clung to him tight to join in on the happy.

"Did I miss anything?" he asked, humoring her with a gentle pat.

"Just me waitin' all by my lonely!" she said, making a show of her pouting, painted black lips. "The Babies are good fer company, but they still ain't you, boss!"

Like any perfectly trained pets, Bud and Lou bounded towards their master, laughing all the way. The Joker knelt with his arms spread wide, laughing and tousling their thick manes in greeting.

"Such good kids," he mused before standing to join his Harls. "But not as good as my Harleykins."

Harley smiled sweetly, savoring the moment as though she had been by his side the whole time. Sticking it to the Bat always put Mistah J in his best mood, and she never let the opportunity pass her by to use that in her favor.

"So now I'm a _good _girl?" she teased.

_Oh what the hell_, the Joker thought, grinning with success satisfaction. The heist had gone perfectly according to plan, no need to rehire any new walking guns - such a constant bother, that was - and he felt incredible. Might as well indulge her some; it always managed to turn out pleasant when he did.

"Or _may_be…bad?" he suggested with a wink.

"Maaaybe," Harley giggled, pleased with the direction this was headed in. "Bein' good's fer the Bats."

"Oh so true!"

"So I thought…I'd _not_ be good."

The Joker didn't suppress a hearty laugh. Though meant to be tantalizing, he couldn't help wondering if she had to use up a small portion of her remaining brain cells to realize that. Amusing and humorous as his harlequin was - she _was_ trained by the best after all, he thought with pride - she wasn't always the brightest bulb in the socket. Nonetheless, he complimented, "Atta girl!"

Harley merely went on, not picking up on any implication. "And y'know, bein' not-so-good…can still mean good things anyhoo…"

"All about defining your terms," he replied, pulling her close.

Harley beamed. "Takes two to tango, boss…"

A knock sounded from the door, and a goon stepped in. "Uh, boss?"

The Joker turned on him, enraged by the audacity to just barge in. "I TOLD YOU NEVER TO INTERRUPT ME!" he shouted, throwing a well-aimed bladed playing card directly into the fool's trachea.

Harley winced, her hand absently sliding up to her throat. "Owwie, that had ta hurt!"

His mood dampened, the Joker snarled, whistling for the rest to join them. "BOYS! FRONT AND CENTER!" When all were assembled in the most gangly fashion, he asked, "Now, what was that dead guy going to tell me that was _so _important?"

A second brave soul stepped forward, gesturing to the door with his thumb. "Uh, Poison Ivy's at the door," he grumbled. "Something about nowhere to go."

"HA! If that's so, then she can't show up _here,_ can she?" the Joker asked, rolling his eyes as the imbeciles stared at him blankly. Idiots.

Harley, on the other hand, quirked an eyebrow at this announcement. "Since when did Red an' me switch spots?" she asked. "_I'm _supposed'a go ta _her_ when there's trouble."

"And how the hell did she know where…we…are?" The Joker turned to his dizzy dame with an accusing glare, causing her to shrink in her place. "_Daaaaar_ling?" Although, one look at the _"Laugh City!" _sign outside and he chuckled in realization that it was kind of obvious. "Ah, dopey me, heh!"

While Harley let out a quiet sigh of relief, he turned back to the goons. "Well tell the hussy to bugger off!" he said, going back to Harley's side with a grin and wink. "We're _busy._"

But no sooner was Harley about to swoon into his purple-clad arms than he snapped out of it. "Ah, wait wait wait…she may tell the Bat where we are," he sighed dramatically.

Harley's momentary disappointment turned to hope. "Ya mean…you'll let her stay?"

"Well you know Red best. _You_ go talk to her," he consented, shrugging. "Doubt she has much to say to lil' ol' me."

Harley turned on the goons faster than one could say "Bozo!"

"What're ya waitin' for?!" she demanded like the second-in-command she was. "Go let 'er in and shut the damn door behind ya!" The men hesitated only a moment. "I said NOW!"

"Heheh! Got a way with the help, toots!" the Joker mused watching them bolt in fear of retribution.

When they were gone, Harley flung her arms around her man, nuzzling him gratefully. "Yer amazin', Puddin' Pop! After all Red's done fer me…!"

The Joker's bright red lips turned down into a frown, and noted to himself to slug Harley later for making him do so. The last thing he wanted was the insufferable Plant Lady hanging around. Like most of the Gotham rogues, Ivy despised him, the only mutual tie they had was Harley Quinn: Custody Battle. But it was a small sacrifice to make if it meant Batsy would be kept in the dark for a bit longer. Pammy would go and blab, and he couldn't have that.

"Yeah, yeah," he moped. "But she'd better not scowl at me the whole bleeding time."

Harley drew back, but kept her arms wrapped around him. Turning on the charm, she said, "Make it through with no fightin', or little as needed…and it'll make me _very_ happy."

The Joker looked at her, allowing himself a chuckle. Her sweetness was the least she could do for his being so gracious - and she certainly would do more to make up for _this _one, he'd see to that.

She just went on. "I mean it," she smirked, tickling his chin. "Pwomise you'll do yer bestest, and I'll make it all betta later!"

He chuckled again. She was a delightful little minx, his Harley-girl. "All right, sugar drawers."

Harley grinned, offering a quick kiss and some extra time for cuddling…until a crash sounded from downstairs. Looking up at him, she laughed weakly with an apologetic smile to match, but he was not amused. This was going to be a _long_ night.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2**_

"BOYS!"

The Joker rolled his eyes as he waited, and received no answer. Morons, he was entirely surrounded by _morons_! Not that goons _needed_ intelligence, but a little competency would be helpful!

Stomping over to the door, he tried again. "BOYS! Damn it, where the hell are…?"

The door flung open, nearly hitting him if he hadn't stepped back. But instead of two ton muscle masses, there was a petite woman…if one could call her that. Physically, Poison Ivy was indeed female right down to her curves, but her entire being was a pale green, covered only by leaves and vines in place of typical human attire. Her flowing red hair assisted said greenery but not by much.

The Joker hardly acknowledged the…guest - he made a disgusted face at a mere thought of the word - with a simple "Ah." conclusion. Harley, however, ran to greet her, hugging her best friend tight.

"Bout time we had another sleepover, huh, Red?" she said, filled with childish giddiness. "And this time at my place!"

Ivy made a small effort to return the embrace, but could not take her glare away from the Joker, who willingly returned the favor. Tension was officially building, and as Harley drew back, she nervously looked between the two.

"I would be happier, Harl, if not for the extensive mammalian incompetence you call 'help' downstairs," Ivy said finally. Her deceitful voice, while soothing and seductive, still had a deadly, venomous tone. It certainly suited her.

"Blame the economy, Red," the Joker interrupted, returning to his seat. "Good help, hard to find, and all that."

"Oh, how the mighty have fallen," Ivy countered, sarcasm at its finest.

His grip tightened around the arm of the chair, and he snarled, "The door's right where you saw it last. Care to give it a looksy again?"

"No! No need!" Harley interjected, staring at him to remind him of his promise. He ignored her, as did Ivy.

"Some way to treat a guest, _clown,_" the red-head menace jeered.

The Joker bolted upright, his first steps toward them an angry stomp before he found the strength to calm down. His face contorted into a brief look of disgust, and then smoothed into a forced smile.

"Oh, my dear, you're _Harley's _guest, not mine," he reminded her. "Now, what brings you to our cozy, little HAHA-hacienda?" He made a bat shape with his hands, flapping the 'wings' and screeching. "Hmmmm?"

Ivy swallowed the horrific taste in her mouth. It was hard enough to come here. She knew Harley wouldn't turn her away, but knowing the Joker was with her, she didn't expect to make it passed the front door without a fight. Having to admit anything to that ass, especially defeat to the Rogues' common enemy, was torture. And he knew it.

Harley piped up in the role of translator. "I think that's a yes," she said innocently, garnering a cruel look from the plant.

"Awww," the Joker simpered, running a hand through Ivy's red hair, well aware that his touch was frostbite to the flower.

She swatted him away with a growl. "Get your mits off of me!"

Frowning, Harley excused herself and him, pulling him across the room. "What're ya doin'?" she hissed softly. "She's upset! Y'know what happens when Red's upset?!"

"She isn't exactly being grateful either!" he shot back.

"Not her style!"

"What I know is, she's wearing out her welcome and she's been here for _two _minutes!"

Harley looked back at Ivy helplessly before turning back to him. "Please, puddin', only one night, just one, honest! Hang in there fer one teensy night!"

The Joker started to speak, and then stopped. He followed suit, looking at Ivy and then back to Harley. "_One. Night."_

Harley let out a breath, kissing him sweetly. "Just one."

"Are you two finished yet?!" Ivy screamed. "I'm right here, I can see and hear everything!"

Putting his hands behind his back, the Joker faced Ivy again, walking towards her. "_But…!" _he began in a threatening chuckle, "If she brings the Bat here…"

Ivy finally smiled, or more like a smirk, clearly taunting him. "Not all of us are so sloppy."

"Not at all, my dear!" the Joker replied. "Seeing as you're doing _so _well with your getaway. Banging on my door like some…!"

He was cut off as Harley clamped a hand over his mouth, and laughed weakly.

"He's just a little cranky," she whispered, conspiratorially. "Gets that way when…when, uh…"

"No need to remind me," Ivy said hastily, sparing her the trouble of finishing the sentence. "I saw the display with my own eyes. So much for pleasant dreams!" She looked around the room. "So is there any place to stay around here?"

"We'll kicked the goons out for the night, yes," the Joker said, shoving Harley away and straightening his suit. Wonderful, now he'd have to have her press it!

"…well?" Ivy prompted. "Then _do it._"

His eye twitched, his hand shot up to the flower on his lapel - she so loved flowers after all; it was the perfect way to off the tramp! But he simply brushed his shoulder, as though that is what he wanted to do to begin with.

"BOYS! FRONT AND CENTER!" he bellowed. Harley pulled Ivy aside, counting "3, 2, 1," to herself just as the boys plowed through the door out of breath.

"Our…guest will be using your quarters tonight," he said, receiving sighs in response.

Ivy stepped forward, exuding pheromones and smiling as she watched them pay close attention, some even starting to salivate at the sight of her. "You boys…don't mind that, do you?" she asked sweetly, beneath lowered lashes.

"You don't have to go home!" the Joker interrupted, speaking louder before he lost them all. The tempting Venus flytrap luring them in before she makes her kill. He had managed to keep his hired help alive tonight against the cops and Batsy; he wasn't going to lose them now to Pam Isley of all people! "But you can't stay here! So move it, _scram!_"

The men grumbled and began to shuffle out, occasionally looking back at Ivy…until the Joker took out a pistol and fired without hesitation at the ceiling. With renewed spring in their step, they bolted, the last one nodding with his cap before closing the door shut.

Harley snorted a laugh. "Nice one, Red! Never saw 'em listen so good!"

Ivy grinned, satisfied. "I may have to take that last one. Real men are hard to find these days." She looked at the Joker snidely though she spoke to her friend. "Isn't that right, Harl?"

The Joker walked to the door with a dark grin, and opened it with a bow. "La_dy_ first, go ahead, Harls," he sneered with a smile.

Ivy simply returned it, refusing to give him any kind of victory. Harley tried to ignore the exchange between them, tugging her along to get them as far apart as possible.

The Joker closed the door behind them with a wink and toothy grin. When they were gone, he returned to his seat, picking up the phone, and dialed. The filth ridden city that he had to call home, so full of pests, both in the form of rodents and weeds.


	3. Chapter 3

"C'mon, it's just down here!"

Harley led Ivy down to a room, flipping the switch. The old bulb flickered some before giving its all - and likely last, Ivy thought with a frown - to blaze bright.

"This here's the best we got!" Harley proudly announced, gesturing around the room. In truth, it was a wreck. The makeshift furniture was in shambles; the walls were scuffed and full of holes. The smell of liquor and tobacco were well contained, and Ivy wrinkled her nose, attempting to clear it. At least they hadn't destroyed a nearby potted plant which immediately leaned in Ivy's direction, as though reaching for a savior. Sitting next to it, Ivy stroked its ailing leaves, cooing to it sweetly as though it were an injured animal.

"It was Franky Boles' old room when he used ta help with a heist," Harley went on, noting wistfully. "Now it's…somebody else's, can't remember who. You can use it fer tonight!"

"Charming," Ivy frowned, glancing up only once from her little patient. "Makes the Motel 9 look like the Gotham Plaza."

"I know, right?" Harley giggled, not catching the sarcasm. Checking the time, she sighed. "Well, look, I'll try to get back here fer a chat. Right now, the boss needs me, always does after a heist." She smiled as though she had the greatest secret in the world. "Gotta help him…relax and all."

Ivy chose to ignore the latter sentence. The image from earlier was harmless by standard practice of relationships. (_If you could call what they have a 'relationship', _Ivy mused.) But it had given her enough to have nightmares for weeks. She didn't want to think of anything more…intimate than that.

"He needs you like you need a hole in the head," she scoffed to cover disgust. "Which if you don't come to your senses soon, you will probably get one."

Harley crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow. "He's lettin' ya stay. Can ya try to play nice? Fer me, yer best pal?"

Ivy sighed, looking up at her. "You're the only reason I ever do."

Harley offered a big smile before hugging her tightly. "Thanks, Red. If I don't see ya, sleep good!"

Ivy looked around as she released her. "Yeah, I will…_try,_" she said, more to herself, since Harley was practically out the door. She focused once again on the plant, which seemed a little more lively at her touch. "Won't we, precious? _Yes, _it's all right," she went on, comfortingly. "Don't you worry, I'm here now."

* * * * *

Harley found Mistah J in the larger main room, sitting comfortably on what they had deemed his throne and barely acknowledging her. At his side, Bud and Lou whimpered anxiously, sensing something unsettling, but perked when they saw that Mommy had joined them at last. They rose quickly and made their way towards her, wanting only comfort. But she stopped them in their tracks with a loud, commanding, "SIT!" Not daring to disobey, the hyenas did as they were told, continuing to whimper and cry.

"You promised!" she said, pointing accusingly at her boss.

The Joker was silent but a moment before addressing her. "As I recall, my first gesture was an open door." He leaned forward threateningly, rage building in his eyes. "_My _open door. And what was hers? Hmm?" Lashing out a foot, he kicked over a nearby table. "SPITTING IT BACK IN MY FACE!!!"

Bud and Lou ran from the room in fright, while Harley quickly reverted back to her place, cowering.

"Y-ya don't hafta t-tease her though," she said meekly.

The Joker laughed, long and full. "! _Me _tease _her?! _Is that headpiece on too tight?!" he asked, tugging roughly at it and releasing, the tiny bell on the end jingling.

Harley rubbed it some with a wince. She had been fixing her hair in pigtails lately and arranging them as such inside her cowl. One good tug and it hurt!

"Well," she mumbled, "you don't hafta get touchy feely with her then. That pushes a button, y'know."

"Oh-ho-_ho! _I've got a button she can push!" he said menacingly, fitting his electrifying joy buzzer onto his hand.

Harley's eyes went wide in fear. "Puddin' no! Don't! Please!"

His seething slowly abated. He would be stronger than this. He was the Joker for Criminey's sake! He couldn't let someone as insignificant as Pammy Isley bring him down!

"One night?" he grumbled.

Harley nodded quickly. "One, one night, just one!" she repeated over and over until he silenced her.

With an irritated growl, he returned to his throne, reveling some in the power he felt in sitting there and letting it soothe his nerves. Harley cautiously watched him before deciding to follow. Slowly, she settled into his lap, ready for him to throw her off, but he allowed it.

"How did Red take to her room?" he asked quietly, just above the level of murmur.

"She…liked it," Harley replied vaguely. The slightest thing could set him on a tirade. Best to play things low key when it pertained to their houseguest. "Knowin' her, it'll be to her likin' in no time."

His eyes widened slightly as he hummed an acknowledgment.

"Wha' is it, boss?"

"How many plants are in the place?" he asked.

Harley looked thoughtful. "Not a lot. One, two tops? If that." He hummed uneasily again, and she leaned over to look in his ear curiously. "What're ya thinkin'?"

"That she's being awfully quiet down there…"

Harley shook her head. "Yer just worryin' too much."

"Ha! I'm not worried, my dear," Mistah J replied pointedly. "Merely…observing."

"Yer observin' too much, then."

At this, he took on a temporarily serious tone, clearly intending to teach. "You can _never _observe too much, Harley. Ever."

The student, however, was hardly paying attention in her quest to draw her teacher's mind from what was going on downstairs, and more towards what was happening there. Carefully, always alert for negative vibes, Harley wrapped her arms around him, and began to rub his shoulders. "This time, puddin', ya certainly are."

The grumble he had prepared for an answer changed into a pleased groan as he enjoyed the gesture. It had been quite a night, and while Harley had her tendencies to be more than a spot of bother, she was useful to have around for moments like this.

She on the other hand continued, kissing his cheek, guiding him to more delightful thoughts. It was a tough job, but she was glad to do it and then some! "See? Ain't this nice? You, me, here…?"

The Joker chuckled deeply. "No goons to interrupt us…"

Harley giggled and grinned. "None at all!"

He reached to run a hand down her cheek. "Mmnyes. Not to ignore our guest, but, uh…how you feeling?"

Harley beamed brightly, snuggling close in the feeling of good fortune. "Hm, probably the same as you."

"Was hoping you'd say that, sugar drawers."

"Were ya?" Harley teased.

"Ooh yes," he concluded with a smooch.

"Red…can wait…," Harley murmured, drawing closer as he cuddled her and kissed her again.

But that rare intimacy was short lived - as usual, Harley thought angrily. In a repeat of previous events, a loud _crash! _rang through the halls, but this time, followed by Ivy's angered shrieks. One by one, monstrous vines began to break through the walls and into the room, a prisoner at last able to fight back thanks to its newfound guardian.

"Ain't it always the way? Heh!" the Joker mused, watching the scene unfold. "She's _your_ guest, Harls."

Amidst her looking around the room in fright, Harley noticed one thing missing and her eyes showed fear in great amounts. "Where…are the Babies?"

As if on cue, Bud and Lou ran frantically back into the throne room, heading for the throne itself to hide from their attackers.

Atop the final vine Ivy stood, jaw clenched as she gazed at the filthy creatures. Her friend or not, it didn't matter. Harley's damn animals had interfered for the last time!

"What did I _tell _you, Harley?!" she screamed, ordering the plant vines towards them. "If your mangy hyenas came near one of my plants again…!"

The Joker rose from his seat as the challenge was issued. "Maybe it was the pheromones?" he mused sarcastically. "If you're into that kind of thing, I don't judge!"

Ivy snarled, changing her command to go after him. The vine changed course without waving a leaf, snapping at him like a whip and going for his throat. Harley protested, "Red! Enough!! They didn't mean it!" But her pleas fell on deaf ears as Ivy refused to surrender.

The Joker grinned manically. Pammy truly did forget who she was dealing with! With a simple snap of his fingers, every one of his hired hands came out from behind the panels and curtains, riddling the plant with machine gunfire. Ivy gasped, collapsing as she screamed, feeling every bit of the pain herself.

"Oh I forgot to tell you!" the Joker cried, taunting. "While Harley was making you comfy, I called back the boys! Since they were _so _enamored with you, Pammy, they…couldn't resist!"

Taking out his own pistol, he opened fire along with them, laughing all the way! Ivy writhed in agony, doing whatever little she could to fight back, and Harley looked on between the two, shaking her head when it became too much. Her mind was racing, unsure of loyalty to the two people she loved dearly. In the end, she ran to the Joker and grabbed his arm, pleading.

"Call 'em off! Call 'em off now!"

The Joker turned on her, glaring angrily. "Whose side are you _on_?!"

"Call 'em off _now!!" _she screamed, thinking of nothing but saving the one friend she had in the world.

He continued to fire and keep Ivy at bay, but motioned to the goons to pay attention. "Ok, boys, you heard her! Positions!"

Like a well-oiled machine, they all ran for the windows following their boss' lead in attack.

"Harley! Get the kids!" he went on.

Harley's eyes filled with tears as she saw Ivy on the floor, glaring at her with in recognition of oncoming betrayal. Her best friend perhaps…but Harley wouldn't be anywhere without her puddin'. With a whistle, she called the Babies to her, and took her place amongst the goons.

The Joker ran for a floorboard, ripping it away ferociously. Underneath it were endless amounts of powder kegs and gasoline drums, spanning the entire length of the area. "Time for the grand finale!" he laughed, calling out "_Now!!"_

All of the goons ran for the windows, three grabbing Harley, Bud and Lou to get them out. Ivy's eyes went wide, and she began to crawl as best she could for an exit. She didn't get far.

The Joker leapt for a window, but then stopped to look at her, his face a frightful menacing leer. "Not too sloppy, eh?" he called, blowing her a kiss before taking aim at a keg. A shot was all it took and he jumped out the window as massive explosions engulfed the entire building. Throwing his head back, he let out a mighty, triumphant laugh.

Harley clutched the Babies tight, bawling into their fur. True, she loved a good demolition as much as the next person. But…that was her bestest friend in there. When he joined her, the Joker drew her up, kissing her forcefully before gazing with pride at the inferno.

"That _was _fun! We should do it again some time!" he laughed before lowering to a snicker. "Ah, the irony…now where do _we _go?"

* * *

_Author's Note: The story is not over! I would just like to take this brief opportunity to thank my partner-in-crime, my dearest friend Jason Marnocha for being the best Joker that any Harley can have the honor of playing alongside. Once again, these stories are based off of improvs that we have done as the Joker and Harley Quinn, same as my last fic_, One Sentence_. This was a more recent prov, one of the biggest as well as the first time we brought other characters into the mix. I took on the task of playing Harley and Ivy, and there are two more guest spots coming up very soon that Jason tackled and did splendiferously (one with full dialogue and one cameo; I shall say no more than that!). So this story is just as much his as it is mine._

_On that note, not only does he write the Joker incredibly, he also performs with equally stunning talent. Please swing by YouTube and look him up: http : // www . youtube . com / user / LordJazor (without all the spaces of course). Not only does he do the Joker, both Hamill and Ledger, but other characters as well. There is even a piece from a radio drama project of mine where the both of us perform the Patient Interviews from _Batman: Arkham Asylum_, he as the Joker and myself as Harleen Quinzel. So go give it all a listen; you won't regret it!_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4**_

While the goons were loading up the car, Harley sat away from the group, continuing to watch the blaze slowly break the building down piece by piece. Gone. Her nearest, dearest friend was gone. She didn't even budge when she felt her precious Babies sniffing and nuzzling her, sensing the tension in their human mother and wanting to ease it. Lou laid down next to her, resting his head on her lap while Bud nudged repeatedly at her hand until she gave in to pet him. Lowering her head into his thick fur, she let loose a few tears. Why didn't she try harder to help Red, _why?!_

Feeling a hand on her head brought her back to reality. That's why.

"Harley."

She flinched at the sound of his voice, jerking away from his touch. "Don't."

The Joker felt his jaw clench, his hand tightening around the red tassel on her hood. He could hardly contain the urge to give it a rough tug and rip the underlying pigtail from her brazen little skull. But…it wasn't worth it. This was sure to attract Batman's attention and he needed all the possible distractions he could get. Time to play nice, keep the little hench happy in her 'hour of need', he thought disgustedly.

Kneeling down by her, he spoke quietly, "Harls, Pammy threatened our babies. What did you want me to do? Let her…take them from us?" Lou lifted his head to look at him, and the Joker gave him a quick pat for good measure.

Harley turned tear-stained eyes to him, wiping them and then running her sleeve under her nose. "N-no…b-but…"

"Shh," he soothed, enveloping her in his arms.

She stiffened, her mind still reeling. "She's…my best friend…"

"Not when she goes after our kidlins, she's not."

Harley sniffed, looking at her precious sweetlings; they returned the gestured, gazing back with those big beautiful brown eyes. Holding out her arms for them, she snuggled them when they came closer to her. The Joker rose to his feet, making a grand show of being excluded. When she noticed, Harley winced, standing up and holding out her hands for him, apologetic. He…he was just protecting them all. Right? Right.

The Joker grinned, taking her hands and kissing them gingerly. "That's my girl."

A little smile tugged at the harlequin's lips as she gradually became herself again. "So…what _are _we gonna do, Mistah J?"

"Ah, the question is 'what _aren't _we going to do?'" he announced with a grand, broad gesture towards the city. "See that? We need a night out! We've had a long enough break, Harl! Earlier was a mere warm-up for me; I need my best gal at my side! It's time to have some _real _fun!" Walking with her to the car, he went around to the trunk. "Which reminds me! Fun requires toys!" He opened it to reveal her entire weapons arsenal. "Saved 'em!"

Harley squealed seeing all of her best defenses. "Pop Gun, Mallet, Bazooka…!" She gasped seeing the last: her Club. It had been a crush gift from the late Frank Boles, the Arkham guard that had decided to play for the Rogues' team. When Mistah J found out, he decided to…gift it again, after making a few alterations a.k.a. whittling the end down to a sharp point. It was a favorite of hers ever since.

"Oh Puddin', yer the bestest!" she said, cuddling it close and gazing at him adoringly. "Not all this stuff can be replaced! I mean, sure, just gettin' another one's all honky dorey…but this one's special."

He leaned in and gave her a smooch. "Only the bestest for the bestest!"

She beamed at the praise before putting the Club back in the trunk. Taking a minute to load the Bazooka and arm herself, she said, "Nevah hurts ta be ready! Them streets house the Bat too!"

Upon hearing his best straight man's name, the Joker turned his stare towards the sky and squinted. "Mmmm."

Harley followed his gaze as she holstered her Pop Gun. "What's up, boss?" she asked, looking around.

"Hmmm…he's out there, Harley."

Harley waved a dismissive hand. "Of course he's out there; he's got no life!"

The Joker's eyes widened as slowly looked at her. "What?"

Harley shrugged, naïve. "Well, think 'bout it! Night afta night, he's goes out and fer what? To ruin our time! No life!"

"So you're saying I'm not worth his _time? Hmm?!_"

Finally catching his tone darkening, Harley cowered, cringing. "Th-that's not what I meant."

The Joker scowled, fighting his rising hand back down. The impudent little twit, she still understood _nothing _of how he and the Bat worked. Batman came first and foremost, above everything. No life indeed, they _were _each other's life! Forever tied at the hip like the mad Ying and Yang that they were! One without the other was unacceptable!

Speak of the flying rat, when the Joker looked to the skies again, sure enough there was that bright blazing signal. "Ah, there, much better."

Harley sighed at the sight. "Aw crap, he knows."

"Not yet, but Gordon does," the Joker corrected, tossing her the keys to the car and ordering the goons to their own. "Load 'em up, boys! It's time to hit the road!"

Harley squealed as she caught the keys, the police sirens already sounding in the distance. Road trip! Opening the back door, she called to her excited, panting children. "Come to Mommy, babies; c'mon, that's it!" she cooed, herding them successfully into the seat. "Good boys! Yep, Mama's kiddies are havin' Batwings tonight, yeshtheyare!"

Comfortably situated in his seat, the Joker threw his head back and laughed at the very idea. Harley jumped behind the wheel, putting the pedal to the metal as they sped away.

"Any idea where we're goin'?" she asked. "B-man's gonna be out soon 'nough!"

"Oh yes, I know just the place," the Joker said, a grin spreading slowly across his face. "Take Manning Ave until you get to 52nd, and then make a right."

Harley's brow furrowed, looking at him. "Why does that sound familiar?"

A car horn screeched, stopping him from answering. Harley twisted the wheel quickly, swerving to avoid the oncoming car. "Keep yer eyes on the road, ya jerk!"

"They think they own the road?!" the Joker added obnoxiously as the Babies snarled and barked at other drivers. "Hmph, tourists! Only explanation!"

Suddenly without warning, he flew forward, jolted by Harley slamming on the brake. "ACK! What is it now?!"

He turned to look at where they were: their destination, Ivy's own greenhouse. Harley glared at it, and then at him. "Yer kiddin' me, boss. Ya gotta be kiddin' me, of _all _places?!"

"Look, sweets," the Joker began nonchalantly, climbing out of the car. "Batman will go to the old place to check for clues. He'll find her…uh, he'll find plant bits and little else. He'll never think to look for us here!"

The frowning intensified as Harley got out. "That, and it's damn hysterical, right?"

The Joker grinned. "Little bit." He signaled the hired help to unload their entire arsenal before continuing. "Red took a chance, a shot. And a cheap shot at that! She cast the dice and lost, got what was coming to her, nothing less."

He ran up to the greenhouse door, kicking it in. Inside, the place was dark and empty, except for withering plants that were fading without the mistress. "Helloooo?" he called out. "Anybody ho--…oh yeah, _ha!!_"

Harley dragged herself to the trunk to start gathering her own things when she overheard one of the goons snickering.

"Bet the slut weed never saw this comin'! Fried crispy, then us movin' in! It's like she handed it right over, the dumb bitch."

Harley snarled, grabbing the Club and heading in his direction. "_What _was _that_?!"

The goon whipped around in fear. "Quinn! Didn't see ya there!"

"Yer problem!" she shouted, raising it high.

"C'mon, Quinn, I didn't mean…_gyaaah!_"

Stabbing him first in both legs, Harley beat him to a pulp when he went down, the others backing off as she did.

"Little _respect _fer the dead! She's worth a hundred of ya!"

Breathing heavily, she kicked him with her foot, checking him over. Bloody and gone, he wasn't getting up. Her eyes blazed as they shot up to stare down the rest, all of them taking another step back, not daring to go against the boss' girl.

"Anybody _else _wanna say somethin'? I didn't think so," she hissed before commanding Bud and Lou to clean up the mess, which they happily obliged.

The Joker came back outside upon hearing the commotion. He slapped his forehead, muttering at the nonsense. "BOYS! Just shut your yap boxes! We don't have time to clean up anymore bodies tonight, not with _him _out! Harley, inside, since you can't play nice!"

Harley did as she was told, tossing her things aside and sinking into her favorite seat, sulking. Figures, just when she was starting to get the happy again, she was right back to Square One. Mistah J wasn't far behind, inhaling and exhaling dramatically as he entered.

"Lot of atmosphere," he commented, plopping himself down onto Ivy's seat and leaning back comfortably. But the sight of Harls frowning dampened his good spirits, and he felt his patience drop rapidly.

"Harley…we let her into _our _place when she needed it. Wouldn't she do the same?" he asked, attempting an emotional tug to cheer her up. When she closed her eyes, hardly moving, he rose from his seat and went to her. "Just one night?" he added, not quite sinister, but vaguely mocking.

Still, she remained quiet. He knelt before her, clutching her face in both hands. "Harley…"

She opened her eyes, getting a little fearful.

"I didn't _want _to." _Yes I did. _"You know that, right?"

"What if…what if somethin' goes wrong now? Where'm I gonna go with her gone?" she mumbled, not thinking it through.

That was it; that was all he could take. The Joker stood, growling. He grabbed a potted plant and threw it across the room where it shattered. "Okay! Alright!! Next time I let _anybody _room with us and then _threaten _the kids, I'll just SIT AND WATCH!! Since THAT seems to be what _you _prefer!!!"

Harley had been shaken out of her mindset the moment the plant had gone down. Hiding behind the chair, just out of his reach, she cried out, "I d-don't…don't mean that! I'm s-s-sorry!"

But he would hear nothing of it. Though his seething subsided, the Joker stormed out, headed for the car. Crying, Harley ran after him in desperation. He couldn't leave her now, not alone like this!

"Puddin' wait! Wait please!" she begged, gripping his arm. "I didn't mean it, honest! Please, I'll be a good girl, really!"

He kept walking with some difficulty, muttering so quietly that Harley could barely hear him. "Should've…time ago…fore _any _of this could…damn Ivy…tramp…"

Harley jumped in front of him. "Al'right, look shnookums, look! I'm smilin' see?" She paused only to give him a huge, forced smile. "See?! It's all yours, all 'bout you, I swear!"

The Joker would have nothing of it, and he pushed her aside, leaving her to drown in her own waterworks.

"Please, boss, whateva ya want me ta do! Tell me, I'll do it! Please stay, please!" she pleaded, reaching for him as he got in the car, but didn't shut the door.

He looked at her finally, a simple bothered look on his face. "Oh shut _up_, Harley!" he ordered, turning on the radio and activating a police scanner. When she finally stopped blubbering, he beckoned her to him as he listened closely.

Harley breathed a small sigh of relief. She slid into his lap immediately cuddling close, and humming softly when he began to stroke her head. "Mmm, I'm sorry, Mistah J," she sniffled, nuzzling him gratefully.

He nodded, giving her a quick smooch to silence her. The radio was difficult enough to understand, and while he didn't turn down adoration, staying one step ahead of the game was currently more important.

"I'm sorry, puddin', I'm really sorry…"

"Harley! Enough!" he snapped, turning up the radio louder as it crackled.

"_Laugh City scene taped off…forensics on-site…no evidence…casualties…"_

The Joker's eyes widened instantly. No evidence of casualties?!

Still at her attempts of affection, Harley didn't notice. "Hm…wha' is it?" she purred at his cheek.

"BOYS!" the Joker called, standing quickly causing her to fall with an _'oomph!' _"Don't get too comfortable in there!"

Harley sat up at attention. "What's wrong?"

He offered no reply, so she followed him as he ran back inside the greenhouse. When they made it inside, there were no goons to be found, and the Babies were laying in the corner, whimpering. Harley whistled for them, comforting them gently when they came to her.

"What's goin' on, boss?"

"Get your things," he snapped, and she did so. "Come on, come _on!"_

He shuffled out the door, running back to the car, and Harley struggled to keep up.

"What _happened?!_" she cried as the four of them jumped in the car, the Joker in the driver's seat this time.

"Don't know, don't care," he responded, slamming his foot to the gas pedal listening as similar evidence was reported over the scanner.

"Mistah J, yer scarin' me," Harley said, gripping onto the door. "What's _wrong?_"

His only response was turning up the volume obnoxiously loud as he looked at her, hoping she'd understand. Harley listened as best she could, but shook her head. Her brain was rattled with everything that had happened tonight, and she looked back at him with a helpless smile.

The Joker snarled, turning the radio down. "Do I have to draw you a picture?!"

"Well ex_cuse _me!" Harley shot back, counting on her fingers as she went on. "I've seen my best pal get blown ta smithereens, you goin' beserko on me cause I'm upset 'bout it, and now yer just freakin' out! Just a teensy bit confuzzled is puttin' it lightly!"

The Joker snapped his head towards her, trying to remain calm as he concluded. "Let's examine that first claim, sweets. _Did _you?"

* * *

_Author's Note: In reference to the Club. This is always a favorite story of mine. In one of our first major improvs, I had brought up the idea of Harley having a police club with the episode "Joker's Millions" in mind. ("One of 'em's dyin' ta see you too, Puddin'...welcome to the club!") Jason pulled a major "Touche!" moment on me, and turned it into a gift from Frank Boles, a character in _Batman: Arkham Asylum. _It's been a favorite weapon of mine to have her use ever since! Maybe some day I'll transcribe that prov, but for now, know that that's the origin of this particular weapon for Harley in our canon C:_


	5. Chapter 5

**_Chapter 5_**

Harley frowned, insulted by the insinuation. "Mistah J. I know I'm not the sharpest pencil in the eye an' all, but I _do _know what I saw."

"Do you?" the Joker snapped. "I was there. I was the last to see her alive…but _not _the first to see her dead." He heaved a great sigh of disappointment. "You can never keep the lawn totally weed free these days."

Harley stared at him disbelievingly. "There's no way…"

"There never is," he laughed ruefully.

"So, Red's…alive?"

He shrugged. "'til I see her either sowing or pushing up daisies. But something tells me she wouldn't mind thanking me for the hot time at our place if she is."

Harley sunk into her seat, under the pretense of fear, but hiding a hopeful grin. "But then why'd we go runnin'? If she's just hurt, they'll haul her heinie back to Arkham and Bats still wouldn't think we was at her place."

"Because we can get a more permanent place. Tonight," he answered matter-of-factly.

In the distance, lights shown bright from the spectacular Iceberg Lounge, the infamous hotspot for Gotham's rich, criminal, and both alike. Pulling around back, the Joker took out a remote. When pressed, it opened a huge garage door, revealing row upon row of the Penguin's sleek and absurdly expensive cars. He wasted no time heading for a space. Unfortunately it was occupied by a smaller car, which they crushed out of the way. Slamming his hand on the horn - causing the first ten notes of "Entry of the Gladiators" to echo off the walls - the Joker leapt out with Harley close behind.

"But first, we have to get the keys to one of Ozzie's dockside warehouses," he told his loyal lady as he led her up the stairs. "With any luck, that pompous, waddling little…"

He trailed off at the sight of Oswald "The Penguin" Cobblepot himself glaring down at them, one eyebrow raised.

"Oswaaaald!" the Joker cried cheerfully, as though seeing an old friend, to cover the insult.

"Joker," the tiny proprietor scoffed, pointing to the destroyed car with his signature umbrella. "I trust that you will reimburse me for the Studebaker."

The Joker waved, dismissing the thought of otherwise. "You know I'm good for it, old bird."

But Cobblepot took no chances, especially when it came to the most notorious rogue in the city. Aiming the umbrella at the clown, he held him at bay. Sensing trouble, Harley stepped up, trying to ease the tension.

"Heya Ozzie! Long time no see!"

Cobblepot, fancying himself a gentleman first and foremost, tipped his hat to her. "Ms. Quinn." But nothing could deter him from self-defense; he knew better than that. He held out his hand, addressing her buffoonish beau. "The garage remote you stole from me."

The Joker gladly handed it over. "Take it, I have four."

Once the door was shut, Cobblepot immediately pocketed the device. It wouldn't do to have the cops - or worse, the Batman - see the Clown Prince and his dizzy dimwit hanging around his establishment. But he didn't dare turn them away.

"Step into my office," he said, waddling passed several doors to 'the Back Room.' Inside, the Joker took the liberty of sitting behind the desk, propping his feet up onto it, much to Cobblepot's chagrin.

"I have a full establishment this evening," he said. "So let's keep this brief."

"Naturally," the Joker agreed. "The long and short of it is this: I…uh, _we _need to borrow one of your warehouses for about…eh, say a week or so."

Cobblepot burst out laughing. "You truly do have a talent for amusement!"

Once again playing mediator, Harley wrapped her arm around him. "I know my puddin' loves bringin' joy, Cobs…but that wasn't makin' funny."

As the laughter demoted to a simple grin, Cobblepot shoved her away. "Joker, you know how that would disrupt my…operations."

"I do," the Joker replied, nodding. "But I am willing to compensate handsomely."

This sparked interest. "Just _how _handsomely?"

"Handsomely," he emphasized. "I've a job in mind."

"The payoff?"

"$800,000. Cash."

"Hmm." The Penguin lit up a cigarette and walked to the window. When he turned back, he stared at the both of them as Harley sat on the arm of the desk chair, cuddling up to her Clown Prince Charming.

"And I take you at your word, my malevolent mountebank?"

"I can write it out or draw a picture," the Joker offered with a shrug.

"Because _word_ travels fast in Gotham," the Penguin went on. "How else could I know of a certain…vindictive vixen who wants your head? And any other body parts she might want to keep?" He smirked as the Joker's eyes widened. "That's the talk out there on my floor."

The Joker managed to keep his cool. "800K, Pengers. Do we have business together tonight?"

"I'd pick 'yes' if I was you," Harley piped in.

The old bird took a puff, grinning. "I can hold off or redirect all incoming shipments to Warehouse 12 for three days. _Three._ So _you _tell _me_…_do _we have business tonight?"

"Five days," the Joker scowled.

"Three."

"Six."

"This is _not _a negotiation, Joker."

The Joker sighed, shaking his head. "Alright then." He stood, drawing a pistol, his tone growing deadly. "I'll just have to make an example of you. Ask Harley what happens these days when I try to play _nice._"

Harley grinned wickedly. "How much are they sayin' 'bout Red, Ozzie?"

"HARLEY!" the Joker barked, causing her to startle. He nodded towards Cobblepot. "WORKING!"

"Th-they say, madam," the Penguin muttered, cowering at the sudden attack, "that she's been seen by her old greenhouse."

Harley cleared her throat, recovering and giving him a dark look. "Nah, oh no, no. What's bein' said 'bout _why _she's lookin' fer--?"

She was cut off, receiving a backhand across the face. "_HARLEY!! _Time isn't on our side!!" the Joker shouted.

Taking advantage of the distraction, the Penguin subtly activated a button on his umbrella handle. Harley in the meantime trembled on the ground, her eyes prickling with tears, but blinking them back.

"It wasn't pretty, bird," she mumbled, standing slowly. "Don't test 'im."

The Joker shook his head in frustration before turning the gun back on Cobblepot. "Now then, where was I…ah yes!"

_Slam!! _The door flew open, interrupting him. Two of the waitresses had burst in, having been summoned by their boss, each wielding a machine gun. The Joker quickly took hold of the Penguin, arm tight around his neck and pistol pressed against his head.

"Ah, ah, ah, chickadees!" the Joker warned, gesturing them to lower their guns. They looked to the Penguin, who nodded at top nervous speed, and obeyed.

"Good girls, now then Ozzie, take a closer look at the remote you took."

Shakily, the Penguin did so in fear of his life.

"I took the liberty of adding a new feature," the Joker explained. "The first push opens the door. The second…starts the timer on one hundred pounds of plastique explosives implanted in those stunning chandeliers you bought last month. Remember the delivery delay?" He grinned, pointing to himself proudly.

One of the waitresses attempted to raise her weapon again, thinking the clown preoccupied. But in a record second, Harley drew her Pop Gun, and fired a warning shot to keep her at bay.

"Ha! Thought it was fun-fetti, didja? See that's the thing! Ya never know what's loaded inside," she laughed, blowing at the barrel. "So I'm askin' ya, gal pals…ya feelin' lucky to find out more?"

"Now that's more like it! Ain't she a doll?" the Joker commended, blowing a kiss to her before addressing his hostage. "So Pengers…the keys to Warehouse 12 in exchange for your life. I can deactivate the explosives." He grinned at the waitresses. "What do you think, ladies? Want a place to clock in tomorrow? If you even clock out, ha_HA_!"

The Penguin gasped, sweating as the Joker tightened his hold.

"Tick-tock, Oswald."

"Alright!" he cried, revealing the key. "Yes, alright!"

The Joker gladly took it, jingling it tauntingly in victory. "Smart boy!"

"There, you have it!" the Penguin shouted, trying to catch his breath. "Deactivate the explosives, you pretentious Punchinello! _Now!!_"

The Joker took on a mock confused expression. "Explosives? What explosives?" he asked before breaking into a wicked grin.

Cobblepot's eyes widened, his monocle falling. "You…"

"Amazing what stolen cargo manifests will tell you, eh?" the Joker replied, not missing a beat as he laughed heartily. "But I'm a man of my word. Five days, 800 thou. You'll get it." Glancing at his hench wench, he bowed and gestured in signal. "Harley?"

She beamed brightly, before heading to the waitresses. "Put 'em down, Barbie-dolls, move it!" she ordered, gesturing to the ground. Slowly, the ladies put their weapons on the floor…but they didn't get up. One then the other, Harley knocked them out cold, gathering up the spoils of war. "I love easy shoppin'!"

The Joker laughed even harder, putting his arm around her with a dramatic smooch. "Ta-rah, Ozzie! Pleasure as always!" he called in farewell as they both moseyed their way out the door.

* * *

_Author's Note: As Ivy was my first try at two characters in the previous chapters, Penguin was Jason's here. He did an amazing job, both here and another prov we did where Harley goes to meet with him herself. I'm telling you, check out his YouTube page ( http : // www . youtube . com / user / LordJazor ); this is another voice that he does dead on!_


	6. Chapter 6

"Ahh, that was a hoot!"

Harley smiled at her boss, tossing the newest weaponry acquisitions into the trunk. "Only thing that coulda made it betta was stickin' round ta party! Could use a drink," she laughed.

The Joker glanced at each of the cars, a thoughtful look on his face, before he found a limo. "Ah, there we are." Breaking the window, he scrambled around the back seat, emerging with the minibar. "For the road?"

Harley let out a high pitched giggle, grabbing something expensive and fancy - champagne from the looks of it. "Sure he won't miss it!" she said, popping it open and drinking straight from the bottle as she jumped in the passenger side.

"That's my girl!" he approved, revving up the car engine. With a grand laugh, he cried, "Let's ride!"

As they sped towards the exit, the Joker pressed a button on the dashboard, activating machine guns from the side of the car. The height and width cut out precisely, and he let out another cackle for such great success. Harley merely settled in comfortably, kicking her feet up and enjoying her drink.

"Feel like living on the edge, boss?" she offered, handing over the bottle.

He gladly accepted, grinning. "Tonight, life is good," he proclaimed, taking a long swig.

Harley giggled wildly, leaning over to cling tight to him, rewarded with a dramatic smooch and his arm around her.

"This place we goin' to a…comfy one, Puddin'?" she asked, kissing his cheek happily.

"Oh yes," he chuckled, "oh yes indeed."

Subtly snatching the bottle away, Harley took another drink. "Good…probably gonna need it after this!" she snickered.

The Joker joined in the joyous song of laughter…only to slam on the brakes and come to a screeching halt. Harley flew forward, just hitting the dashboard but coming to with a quick shake of her head. (All that time with her Puddin' had taught her how to handle pain well.) They both looked straight ahead, however, and the unspoken question was answered. Rounding the corner in all its goody-good glory was the Batmobile in hot pursuit!

"Tsk, tsk, ruin _our _evening, will he?" the Joker scoffed. "And so late tonight too!"

Harley didn't have time to even let out an "oomph!" before the Joker turned down a side street to escape. But as always, Batsy was relentless, staying close on their tails! Bud and Lou snarled and whooped at their favorite morsel, while their mama's eyes narrowed.

"That bastard! Just when we's havin' fun!"

Drinking the last of the champagne, Harley angrily threw the bottle with all her might, growling when it didn't even crack the windshield.

Nonetheless, her Boss-man was proud. "Ha_ha!_ Good girl! Now…how about some heavy hitting?"

Harley beamed in fiendish delight. "Bazooka?!"

"Bazooka," he confirmed with an evil, toothy grin.

She clapped her hands with glee, clumsily climbing over into the backseat while he drove on like the madman he was. Pulling the seats down, she slid the bazooka out from the trunk with a little effort, leveling it heavily on her shoulder. Squinting, she took aim.

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!!" she cried, taking a shot. The force sent her backwards, and worse, missed its target. The Batmobile easily swerved to avoid it. "Dammit!"

"What?! No!!" the Joker screamed, speeding up. "What are you _doing?!_ Not at _him!_ Hit up the hotel coming up on the right, lobby and top floor!"

Leveling the massive weapon yet again, Harley scowled, mumbling under her breath. "Nevah the Bat, Harl…nevah evah the Bat, wah wah wah." She took aim again. "FIRE TWO!!"

Taking two shots this time, she shot up the hotel as ordered, marveling as it burst into a mass of flames, explosions, and people fleeing in terror. Harley really did love fireworks!

The Joker shrieked with laughter, and the Babies snapped and howled viciously wanting a piece of the Bat and _now!_

"What'cha gonna do, Bats?!" Harley taunted, hugging her precious pets close. "Poor lil' peeps need ya, you big softee!"

Sure enough, the Batmobile came to an immediate halt in front of the inferno, the top hatch sliding open. The Batman himself leapt out, not willing to go down without a fight. Quinn was right, but there was no way he'd let them get away so easily. He threw a tracker at the car, the small device attaching to the bumper.

"Puddin'! He used a gizmo!" Harley called like a tattling child.

"Oh please, really?!" the Joker sneered, disappointed in the Bat's pathetic attempt. His straight man, the flying rodent though he may be, couldn't do any better than _that_?

The Joker pressed another button on the dash, and this time, an electric current surged along the car's shell. The tracker instantly deactivated, and popped right off with no trouble at all. Problem solved!

He turned in his seat, grandly saluting the city. "Thank you, Gotham! We love you! _Good night!! _HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

As they sped away, Harley gripped on tight before giving the Bat a different, more crude salute. "Buh-bye, Batsy!" she called, throwing him a kiss before rejoining her man up front, both in peels of laughter.

* * * * *

With the way the Joker drove about town, any drive was a short drive. They reached the docks soon after the chase, but when they reached Warehouse 12, he passed it right by. Harley, still feeling the rush of sweet victory, began laughing less…and less…and less until it had completely disappeared behind them.

"Uh, Puddin'?" she asked, pointing back in its direction. "Ain't that…?"

"Oh don't be stupid, Harls," the Joker scolded, tossing the keys into the bay. "Pengers will tell Batsy in a heartbeat, not to mention…someone else. As long as we know where both of them will keep their eyes for the next five days, we'll be ready."

Harley took a playful swat at him, and missed. Holding her head in a slight dizzy spell, she said, "I'm not stupid! Tipsy maybe…"

The Joker laughed, amused. "The night is still young, and that was just the first bottle! Losing that wild child edge, cupcake?"

She chose to ignore this, instead giving her best thoughtful look. "Then…where we goin'?"

It didn't take long to find out. When he turned up a gangplank, Harley just caught the name on the side of the old ship they stormed, the decommissioned _Mercy._

"Awful name, I know," the Joker chuckled, retracting the gangplank with another button push. "But wait 'til you see her hold."

Harley tilted her head, awed by the gangplank with girlish delight. "There nothin' this car can't do?"

"Got to be a match for _his _ride!" he replied pointedly, as if the answer should be obvious.

Harley tittered lightly as she climbed out and stumbled. She knew she wasn't too drunk; she'd done far worse before. But the champagne was definitely going to her head a bit.

"Wow…yep, tipsy," she smirked, moving to get up.

"Come, my dear," the Joker coaxed, getting her to her feet and kissing her hand. He flipped a switch nearby, and Harley "ooh!"ed and "aah!"ed watching the place light up. Old it may be, but it sure beat the old hideout by a landslide!

"Oooh…shiny!" she gasped. "Just like _Titanic_! Y'know _before _it sunk!"

"Mhm. Cozy? You like?"

"Me like," she grinned, holding onto him tight. "Can I see more, pwetty pwease?"

He led her through another door to the bedroom where lavish furnishings and yet another minibar greeted them. Harley ran straight for the huge, round cushiony bed, squealing as she bounced comfortably. Bud and Lou even had their own comfy spots on the floor, and they made themselves at home.

"Tomorrow, we'll go out and recruit some new boys," the Joker determined, joining his little hench wench. Grinning wickedly, he concluded, "But tonight…is all us. Best enjoy it while we can, hmm?"

Harley quickly glanced at the Babies. "Should they be here then?" she asked, nodding their way.

The Joker chuckled ruefully, rubbing a sore spot he had from the last time they had let the hyenas stay nearby during such merriment. Bud must've mistaken pleasure for pain, and made haste in protecting his matriarch from danger. Best to be safe than sorry this time around. He whistled quickly, his pets perking and coming to him without hesitation.

"Okay kids!" he said, gesturing them to follow him to the door. "Mummy and Daddy have some _very _important things to do! Amscray! Let's go!"

Once they were gone, he locked the door behind him before rejoining Harley for a proper celebration of the Second Escape. She held up her arms for him, smiling only her bestest when he lowered her gently.

"That's right, Puddin'," she murmured, "yer Harley needs a tune-up…"

* * *

_Author's Notes_

_1) All credit for deciding to bring in the Bat for the first time goes to Jason. And it remains one of my favorite bits to this day. Very fun stuff to work with! B-man has yet to appear in another prov as of the time of this note. But you never know when he'll show up again. Ain't that always the way?_

_2) Fun tidbit - Harley was supposed to be a lot more drunk for this chapter originally. While it was comedy gold at the time of prov, overall we decided that she really needed to be toned down for the story. And trust me, she'll need her wits about her later, so in the end, tipsy it was!_

_3) Anything else? Yes, I want the Joker's car; what a ride! XD_


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7_

The Joker was far from a humble human being. He would be the first to tell you that, unless he allowed Harley to do so for him. He was a legend, the number one, a man of epic proportions even! Fellow rogues and mortals alike cowered at the sound of his name. That was no exaggeration either; he delightedly saw it in a victim's eyes every time he delivered a punch line.

But moments like this, relaxed and content, Harley curled up beside him in bed as they pet their precious kidlins…it amused him. One big demented family, a joke all in itself. Yes, it amused him, and that made him happy.

Harley looked down at her "children," and then smiled up at her man.

"Long day, hmm?" he asked with a wink.

"Maybe fer you, not me," she murmured, pulling closer to him.

He laughed lightly, cuddling with her. "Tonight can last 'til we're ready for it to end."

Placing a finger to his lips, she shushed him. "Then I nevah want it to."

They were interrupted only by Bud and Lou, who apparently decided that Mummy and Daddy had enough time to themselves. The hyenas pounced, licking them alternately, and Harley gasped in surprise before giving in to their demands. She threw on something comfortable, and then jumped into the fray to roughhouse. What followed was a spirited game of Tug-Of-War with a very unlucky pillow.

"That's it, boys!" Harley cheered with a playful snarl. "You show that big bad Bat!"

"Ha_ha!_ Mummy teaches her kiddies well!"

Both "mother" and "children" flourished under the boss' praise as he looked on. Harley even took a corner in her own teeth. But after a few more tugs, she left Bud and Lou to their antics, climbing back up beside her Mistah J to watch.

"One big, happy family again," he chuckled, slipping into a robe.

Harley giggled, and the Babies went at it more intensely, determined to rip their Bat-pillow apart.

"C'mon, boss, wha'cha think?" the little hench wench piped up giddily, looking between the two. "Who's gonna kill it first? You get first dibs!"

"Ooh! Ooh! Dibs on the furry one!" he teased.

"Come _on!_" she persisted. "Just fer laughs!"

The Joker eyed the odds. "I say Lou," he decided, cheering him on. "Come on, Louie! Chew 'im up and gnaw his bones!"

The hyenas fervently ripped and tore at the pillow, but in the end, it was Bud who gave the winning tug, tearing it clear apart. As feathers flow everywhere, they pranced around to catch them.

"Ha! That's my boy!" Harley crowed triumphantly, giving her boss a smirk. "Pay up."

"Fair's fair," the Joker shrugged, letting the robe go again. If nothing else, it was a chance to be admired, and from the look on Harl's face, she certainly was.

"I love winnin'," she snickered, eyeing him appreciatively and then patting the bed. Bud and Lou answered the call immediately, each receiving attention from their respective cheering squads.

"Wish you coulda had the real thing, sweeties," Harley sighed, scratching Bud's tummy as though he were a tiny puppy dog.

"Nuh-uh, can't open that present 'til Christmas!" the Joker teased.

Harley smiled, but then sank slowly into silence, absently petting her precious Babies. "I want his head, mask still on," she said softly. "The rest goes to them to shred, piece by piece."

The Joker grunted an acknowledgement, his hands folded beneath his nose in his traditional expression of thought. Mistaking this as exclusion, Harley slid away from her snoring hyenas and moved closer to him, reaching to rub his shoulders as penance.

"And, of course, whateva pieces _you _want, shnookums," she cooed.

The Joker's hand shot up in a gesture for quiet, nearly taking her nose with it. Before she could ask, there was a sharp thud above them.

"He's here," the Joker whispered, pointing upward.

The faint clomping of slow footsteps came from the deck, moving in bursts and sliding until they were directly overhead. The Joker motioned for Harley to wait while Bud and Lou perked, growling deeply. The footsteps moved again, stopped for a good while, and then went off into the distance.

"…is he gone?" Harley whispered.

"No, he's being 'clever,'…wait!" the Joker snapped. "He's at the gangplank. Keep the boys quiet."

Harley gave them a quick tug at the scruffs of their necks, shushing them and then stroking their manes to calm them down. An engine roared to life above and squealing tires signaled the intruder's exit.

"_Now _he's gone," the Joker concluded, relieved.

Harley shook her head. "I don't like this, Mistah J. How could'e know ta look here?"

"Only one way," the Joker answered, already on his feet, dressing and grabbing his pistol. "He's on the trail of someone else and that someone has been here. Get dressed, come on."

Harley obediently did as she was ordered, holding tight to her pop gun. With Bud and Lou in tow behind them, the Joker led the way stealthily up the stairs to the deck. Opening the latch slowly, he signaled to his tiny clan to follow carefully.

"The smell of guano lingers," he chuckled cruelly. Going to the bow, he leaned over the edge while Harley watched his back.

Silently, the Joker examined the entire length of the ship, walking along until the whole shell had been thoroughly checked and deemed secure. He stopped, thoughtfully scratching his head with the gun barrel and stroking his chin.

"Hmm," he said at last. "This was made to lead us to _think _Batsy's been here. But if I know Batman - and I like to think that I do - he'd leave one of his fancy little listening devices if he even had a _hunch _that we were here." He turned to Harley. "So either we're the best Hide-and-Seek players in the history of time…or that wasn't the Bat."

An odd spark came to his eyes and a grin spread wide across his face. Twirling the pistol on his finger, the Joker put a foot up on the side of the ship and leaned on his knee, looking out at his dirty city. Pointing the gun at Gotham, he made a quiet sort of sound, mocking a gunshot and giving a low chuckle.

"It's _her _turn to hide now."


End file.
